Welcome to a bold attempt by The Chaz to track the impenetrable madness of March, as the natural aromas of spring mix with the smoke from burning tires and venomous fumes of rotting kegs. Magical. The Chaz will analyze each round with a series of short and subjective articles.
THE LEAGUE: Pioneers of modern fantasy sports, the boys of the infamous #BabyLeo are back in action. The winner walks away with $200 in cold hard cash. The loser walks away with a specially ordered and prepared set of bull testicles to consume. This is, unfortunately, not a joke. Updates will be provided regularly. Early Projections: Chaz, Kev, Joe, Lucas, Luke, Matt, Al.
MY OH MY. John Wooden’s ghost just gave a senior member of the selection committee an OTPHJ under the bleachers. UCLA heads to the most unfortunately named basketball arena in the world – the company responsible sells a bucket of potential bird flesh almost as disappointing as Montrezl will be in the NBA. Speaking of name brand selections, Coastal Carolina players began searing their eyeballs when they heard they’d be within 100 yards of Frank Kaminsky and his inhuman ugliness. North Florida and Robert Morris – not yet confirmed as a real team or school – face off for a guaranteed ticket to the the Third Round. Undeniable. Duke goes packing back to the bad neighborhood of Chapel Hill while Jabari Parker and Jahlil Okafor snicker, toast champagne to the NBA draft and laugh at how stupid Coach K is for not seeing through the prank they pulled.
The Indomitable Rams (TM) from across Tobacco Road square off against the biggest nerds with the worst uniforms in the NCAA tournament. Shout-out to all the homies with the Crimson snapbacks, but can we get a brand check here. Lets hope the one Harvard fan in Jacksonville isn’t the most socially incompetent and pretentious person in the arena. But bears shit in the woods. And Harvard sucks. On the other side of the country, Kevin Pangos gets ready to tie his laces up and head to the NCAA tournament for what should but won’t ever be his last time, the first person to ever successfully spend the majority of a decade on a college basketball team without anybody noticing.
And lets talk about the cats. Calipari’s pseudo-academic shell for an NBA scouting combine gives the selection committee a rock hard royal blue boner yet again. Seems like the NCAA and their “commitment to academics” continue to look the other way as long as the Harrisson Quadruplets continue to hit shots and sell tickets. And thats just the beauty of capitalism right there, gang. Cauley Stein dies in a tragic tattoo parlor accident and UK collapses against Pat Conaughton’s three point shooting. Rumor has it Pat caught a leprechaun and asked for three wishes, then blew them all on terrible facial hair.
Win or lose, Rain or shine, and ESPN’s inevitable cover up of the fact that their anchors had a collective percentage of 2.7% in accurate game predictions for the 12th straight year aside, its March guys. And its time to get things hot and steamy.